Words Can't Describe How Much I Miss...

This post is a general as it gets. I don't have any one person to direct this to but to the many people that I envy at times.

It must be really nice to be able to share your days with someone. To wake up to a smiling face. To be able to hug and kiss someone. To be able to say the three special words to that person. I envy you. I am jealous of you. When you and others like you walk down the street, holding the hand of your special someone, I can't bare to look your way. Like a cross to a vampire, it burns at me. There was a time where I thought I had what you had. It was the greatest moment of my life. It was all taken away, or so I thought. In reality, what I thought was there, was never there. It's so quiet here. I'm tired of hearing my own thoughts. I want to hear another voice floating in the invisible space between, to my ear. I miss having a pair of lips touching mine. I miss being hugged. I miss sharing a space. I miss just having someone nearby.

Confusion

My own words can't describe how I'm feeling so I'm leaving it up to Aly and Aj. Take it away girls!

Maybe I Should Give Up

I'm just so tired. I didn't go outside today because I'm still hurting. Then again, why should I? The only thing waiting for me out there is more disappointment. I keep wondering if all of this is even worth it. Nobody ever visits me. Nobody wants me and nobody cares about me. I could not say a word to anybody for a whole week and nobody would make a effort to contact me. My emotions are a blur. On one side there's the hurt of rejection. On the other side there's the anger towards life. How does one stay strong when they have been stepped on so many times. Will I ever find someone who wants me for me and not because of what I have or don't have or my status or because they can get something off of me? I'm tired and its looking like I'll always be by myself so why should I keep going if things are going to be this way?

Blueberries

I'm hungry, really hungry. More like craving. I don't want anything else except blueberries. Put them in a nice warm pie and bring it here. I want to take a huge bite and munch it all until there's nothing left. I want to watch your lovely face while I indulge. Hold me tight and feed me. My tummy is growling very loud. It's yelling, "feed me!" I can't think of anything else. My body aches without food but, I only want blueberries from you.

Drowning and I Love It

Curious? I always was. Well, at least for as long as I have known you. It's that curiosity that has led me to this beautiful sea of water on a steaming hot day. At first I wasn't so sure. I was afraid of my reaction, afraid of the possible danger. I waded in the water, ankle deep, getting a good feel of you. In that moment I discovered that the risk was worth it. I begin to step deeper. Sometimes your waves scared me but I held my ground. Eventually the cold touch of the water gave way to the warmness below. Your warmness inside. Waist deep then chest deep and eventually I decided to go in all the way. I closed my eyes, fearing the truth but, come to find out, when I opened my eyes the truth was beautiful. Underneath the the cold tip was a warm blue sea of happiness. A feeling I have never felt before. You worry about drowning, I'm already there and I don't want to leave. You oxygen bubbles keep me alive as you submerge me. My own personal heaven, the outside does not matter and never has. Every bit of being here brings a new surprise, something beautiful to see. I never want to leave. Drowning in you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Take me deeper and don't let the waves push me away. I want to explore and see everything, and know all about you...

Pieces

My heart is crumbling to pieces. You hate me yet, I love you so dearly. They are not just words but how I feel. I would give all that I own to take that day back but I can't. I can only ask for your forgiveness and hope that things will move on. I am beyond sorry that things got so sour. I love you. I would walk barefoot on lava rocks for you. I just don't want you to hate me. I'm not perfect. I am far from perfect but I have never lied to you. Please! Talk to me. Please! Don't go away. Please...

Beyond Confused

As of today, I don't know anything anymore. I cant trust because I have lost my ability to trust. I feel like I'm always putting out. I'm tired of putting out. Always giving my all for a chance when that chance always turns into a failure. I'm just tired. My heart is a old dog of war and its time for it to rest. Sad part is I'm still young so what do I do? Do I keep walking the battlefield called human relationships to be shot up some more? Ive already had my foot cut off, my eye gouged out, my hands burned. I move through this battlefield hoping on one leg holding onto my cane called hope. The thing is, I hate this hope. It always tells me, "Get up! If we play things right, we can hop to the end of the field and get some medical help". Truth is, what would that help do? I'm already battered. The knife slashes all over my body, the many stab that pierced me. Each stab being from a comrade for their own survival, while I was busy giving out, trying to create "teamwork". There's no help for these wounds.

I cant keep moving on without some clear view of something that's worth it for me in the end. I'm asked to play the battlefield with new armor but what if its faulty? why play the field if the objective might not be that medical help that I need but someone waiting at the end to fire that final shotgun blast to the heart. Is it even worth risking more bullet wounds. I doubt that its going to be a nice sunny day and I will be able to walk to the end. I know my luck. This old dog will get hit many more times. Whats to stop me from closing up, finding some hole and staying there, alone yet safe? Problem is there's still that cane. That stupid, solid cane that yells "Get up". It haunts me. It makes me think of the other side. It makes me wonder if the risk is worth it.

I don't know anymore. I am confused. I am lost. I am wounded.If I trust will I hurt? If I get up will I be knocked down? If I step forward, will someone break me. I have given my all I just need rest. I NEED teamwork. So I make a decision in some ways and I don't make decisions in others. I can be honest with myself and say that I will NOT move without teamwork. Do I lose something in the process, maybe, maybe not. That's for other people to decide but this dog of war will not put out any longer. When this dog finds someone who will put out in the same way then and only then will I give. I know this, I didn't enter the battlefield for nothing. I entered holding onto my values. Those beliefs clearly state that if its worth it, then it's 50/50. If its truly love, it's 50/50. When things are lopsided, like all items it will falter and fall.

If there is something meaningful for me then I refuse to let my next try fall! If I have to complete the mission with this new suit of armor then the person providing the weapons needs to be next to the person using the weapon. Don't follow and look, don't just give me intel and be a back seat soldier. Pull out that damn gun and fire! If we survive we survive together, both giving equal heart to the fight. If one gives more than the other then we DON'T survive and that war called human relationships will have beaten us. So I'm here, waiting on the one who will give 50/50 but I will NOT move until then. Will I be wrong, I don't know but you know what, I know something. If it's love, it's 50/50

From the Heart

I'm glad you liked my picture! I just noticed its the same picture used as my MySpace background. Now that I think about it, the song I used to accompany that picture is a lovely one. I'm so happy for you today. Beyond elated. It's a wonderful feeling to love yourself. I was rocky for a while and then I woke up and you shared your self love with me. It was a much needed jolt of "life". It's funny, when someone cares for someone else, they can be happy about things that only have an effect the other person. I don't quite know how to explain it. Its all a blur of emotions but its there and right now its kinda hard to deal with, scary to talk about and yet something to learn from. Wednesday evening and all of Thursday I found the rain to be very appropriate of my emotions and yet today I just wanted the sun to peek out. I'm sorry if I don't seem as talkative as I was maybe, about a week ago. I just don't know what to say, what to do or how to express myself. I'm just confused and I wish I wasn't because I want so hard to just do the right thing. You make me feel so happy and you're so amazing. I just wish I was even slightly close...


--Song from my MySpace page--

Rain

Its funny how appropriate the weather has been lately, Since Wednesday evening its been raining on and off. I was finally able to do it for a short bit, yet I still remain too stubborn to shed tears. Its almost beautiful how the rain does it for me. Of course we can all say that it's the Earth cooling it self off after multiple days of hotness. Whatever the reason, it's appropriate. Let it rain, because I can't anymore...

The Moon Looks Beautiful Tonight

It's not a full one but, a hour ago it was shining outside my window. I always wanted to sleep outside, on a warm night, under it. Its a old dream but one that I only want to share with you. I know there's a good chance you will read this. Is it so weird for me to be missing you? You're just a simple instant message away but my heart's dying to be next to you. Two hearts snuggled under a shiny orb. Being smothered between the moon and your beauty. Just a thought, but one that wont leave my mind anytime soon...

=^_^= Meow!

--Kiss From Heaven--

It was supposed to be another ordinary Friday. Wake up, visit some people, come home, watch "SmackDown". You. You appeared like a dream, a wish come true. Not to far from the second I laid eyes on you I was taken somewhere. Was it heaven? Was it the one thing I live for. Whatever it was, the taste was amazing! My heart was racing and my mind was in disbelief. Was it really happening?! Should I pinch myself? Did I get hit by a car while biking home? Whatever it was I never want to leave that moment. Within that moment, life FINALLY had a meaning. Its hard now, not to act like a giddy school girl who has just had her first kiss. I think I'm managing. Whatever I'm doing I know this... I cant stop thinking about you. I used to think you were on my mind a lot before, well I was wrong. I don't think anything will ever top this. It feels nice to have a heart that's mending for once. Thank you... Now go get some rest!!! *XoXoXo*

I'm Done

I don't normally get up at five in the morning to write a blog post but you need to know something. I simply cant do this anymore. I cant keep going on with no progress. There's is no progress because you don't want any progress. its been almost five months and things are going nowhere. You NEVER spend any REAL time with me. Its like you're afraid to be alone with me. You only "drop by" when its convenient for you. "I need help with moving, you just happen to be some help, lets call this chill time" or "I'm on the way to get groceries and your apartment happens to be along the way, let me pick you up and you can watch me shop and we'll call this chill time". Exactly what I mean, "convenient for you". How many times have I said "Hey, lets go to a movie."? How many times have you said you were lonely and I offered to drop by? You for some reason just don't want to be alone with me. if it involves you mentally being alone with me ,with you having to think about getting to know me and not some other task at hand, you don't want to deal with it. I'm TIRED! I cant simply do it anymore. I cant keep trying to put in and you're not giving a inch. You just don't care and have never cared to get to know me. I was just some comfort zone for you and I'm not doing it anymore. I guess this could be looked at as a "change your ways or goodbye" but its whatever you make of it. I'm standing my ground. If you really cared you would SPEND SOME TIME WITH ME. I'm no fool, I understand you have responsibilities but if I'm the least bit important to you, you would at least make time for me and you simply don't. You never do and frankly, I'm tired of being your last minute thought when I think about you every hour of the day...