Saturday, June 6, 2009

Beyond Confused


As of today, I don't know anything anymore. I cant trust because I have lost my ability to trust. I feel like I'm always putting out. I'm tired of putting out. Always giving my all for a chance when that chance always turns into a failure. I'm just tired. My heart is a old dog of war and its time for it to rest. Sad part is I'm still young so what do I do? Do I keep walking the battlefield called human relationships to be shot up some more? Ive already had my foot cut off, my eye gouged out, my hands burned. I move through this battlefield hoping on one leg holding onto my cane called hope. The thing is, I hate this hope. It always tells me, "Get up! If we play things right, we can hop to the end of the field and get some medical help". Truth is, what would that help do? I'm already battered. The knife slashes all over my body, the many stab that pierced me. Each stab being from a comrade for their own survival, while I was busy giving out, trying to create "teamwork". There's no help for these wounds.

I cant keep moving on without some clear view of something that's worth it for me in the end. I'm asked to play the battlefield with new armor but what if its faulty? why play the field if the objective might not be that medical help that I need but someone waiting at the end to fire that final shotgun blast to the heart. Is it even worth risking more bullet wounds. I doubt that its going to be a nice sunny day and I will be able to walk to the end. I know my luck. This old dog will get hit many more times. Whats to stop me from closing up, finding some hole and staying there, alone yet safe? Problem is there's still that cane. That stupid, solid cane that yells "Get up". It haunts me. It makes me think of the other side. It makes me wonder if the risk is worth it.

I don't know anymore. I am confused. I am lost. I am wounded.If I trust will I hurt? If I get up will I be knocked down? If I step forward, will someone break me. I have given my all I just need rest. I NEED teamwork. So I make a decision in some ways and I don't make decisions in others. I can be honest with myself and say that I will NOT move without teamwork. Do I lose something in the process, maybe, maybe not. That's for other people to decide but this dog of war will not put out any longer. When this dog finds someone who will put out in the same way then and only then will I give. I know this, I didn't enter the battlefield for nothing. I entered holding onto my values. Those beliefs clearly state that if its worth it, then it's 50/50. If its truly love, it's 50/50. When things are lopsided, like all items it will falter and fall.

If there is something meaningful for me then I refuse to let my next try fall! If I have to complete the mission with this new suit of armor then the person providing the weapons needs to be next to the person using the weapon. Don't follow and look, don't just give me intel and be a back seat soldier. Pull out that damn gun and fire! If we survive we survive together, both giving equal heart to the fight. If one gives more than the other then we DON'T survive and that war called human relationships will have beaten us. So I'm here, waiting on the one who will give 50/50 but I will NOT move until then. Will I be wrong, I don't know but you know what, I know something. If it's love, it's 50/50

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