Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Lessons Learned

--Where Does it End--

Where does the line between "human need and self preservation" and "human greed" begin or end. Im facing very hard lessons on the matter and honestly, they're lessons I could care to not deal with right now. My recent actions have caused me to question the integrity of my heart. Still, even with all that is going on, I know Im not "bad". I guess I struggle a lot when it comes to doing something for others and doing for myself. Im very giving and I care about the people around me alot but I also tend to get used alot. Funny thing is I just cant use people in the same fashion. When I try, I end up hurting myself and worse, hurting the ones I love.

Honestly, I cant believe how low I stooped for a small feeling of power. Not sure what exactly got in me but I know what exactly left. Another chunk of my left over innocense was chiped away. Then again, maybe not completely. Today I had a incodent where A guy was running to catch a bus and I was biking by. I could have stopped the bus for him but I didnt.

What did I do? I paused... I wanted to help but my desire to get to my destination was "nagging" at me. Still, I paused, not for a quick moment but for a few minutes. Every part of me wanted to ride back, tell the gut to hop on and go chasing after that bus he needed. Is that normal?!

Is it normal to want to be able to risk life and limb for people you don't know. Thats the real me, the one who ride a bike across town to help someone. I just have this need to know that I have a impact in someones life.

Well, enough ranting about that. If I have the mental energy tomorrow I will FINALLY do that blog on developer lazyness.

Sweet Dreams,
Lightning Kid =^_^=

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