Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Just Being Me...FINALLY!
Before I start I know full well that what I'm about to say may make some people happy for me and others disappointed in me but in the end, these words need to be said. Rekcah-Chan and JerZ-Chan I want to say thank you. Rekcah, you have been saying it for years and JerZ you bashed it into my head this morning. This time, I need to take that advice. I need to just be myself. The problem with a majority of my life is that I spent too much of it trying to make other people happy. Sure, I tend to be happy when people I care about are happy but until today Ive always did that to an extreme where my own happiness didn't matter. Those days are over. I'm tired of not being the real me! everyone thinks I'm a negative person and I might just seem like it. I'm only that way because I was so worried about play a facade for others. Ive spent so many years setting aside my beliefs and values for others, to accommodate to make them not disappointed at me. Frankly, like John Cena says, "I DON'T CARE!"
Friendships and every other type of relationship MUST include mutual respect or they will never work. That is, respect for feelings, thoughts, beliefs and values. I'm different and I think the way I do because I am me. It never means that I will trample upon your value system, and it doesn't make me any less worthy to be looked at, cared about and even loved by the masses around me. To many people spend time hating on each other and their selves because they're so damn worried with trying to fit a image. There have been to many wars fought because someone wants to push their ideas on someone else. What people NEED to learn is to just love themselves and each their of who they are. Everything else is irrelevant. There is a reason we all think differently and its evident every day that no one answer is the final answer. I believe that the truth is a culmination of everything we know.
Back to me for a moment. With all of that said, I am also learning more about myself. I think I'm starting to gain a spiritual side but not in the way that some will hope. I went to church this past Sunday for the first time in four years. I just wanted to check a few things out. I even found it to be uplifting. I was thinking to myself how fun it would be to spend this month checking out all the religions. Something to do for exploratory purposes. I had a dosage of Christianity this past Sunday but I'm hoping to check out Islam and Judaism next week. Of course I would check them out if I can find worship places within my traveling means. I just want to observe. I think after I knock those two out I'll check out Buddhism and Hinduism. I don't want to be tied to one idea or answer, even if its one that I have thought was right for so many years.
As for the Church I went to, this past Sunday, I would very much like to go back. It was comforting. Compared to my last experience with a church, I like the "big" setting better. I find that smaller churches where everybody knows each other, tends to bring about a lot of personal issues. Spiritualism should be about your own personal connection to whatever it is you believe in. A person shouldn't have to worry about impressing others in a place of worship. Well with all of that said, I'm feeling mixed. Mostly positive but a few negative bytes linger. The only real negative is the fact that I would love to feel wanted today. It would be nice to have someone bug me and constantly pop in on me and ask me a bunch or random, nearly nagging questions about my day. Just once. I just want to be adored. Sure I can be pretty damn vain when it comes to beauty and attention. Lemon-Chan once called me a "camera wh*re". Appropriately said during a time when I was snapping loads of pictures of myself with a newly purchased Nintendo DSi. Aside from that, I love myself!
I'm sweet, caring, goody and even "dainty". I collect plushies, play and love Nintendo, watch anime (especially the ones of the chick flick, super hero variety), can perform every Power Rangers morph call and a good day of watching TV includes CNN. I love chocolate, drink "choco" cyrup mixed in strawberry soda, sometimes, I pick off my pizza toppings to eat them first before chowing on the sauce, cheese and dough. I AM ME! I can not be anything else. I LOVE ME! That's right, I said it! I LOVE ME!